06 November 2011

Pennsylvania: Where Nipples Go to Convalesce

Now that my girlie is in college in New York, we have the dubious "pleasure" twice a year of hauling her and all her stuff to and from the dorm of the year.  It's not that I mind, really, though I could do without the 16-hour (one way) drive.  I usually last about 5 hours before I start getting the fidgets, after which it's all downhill.  I get bored.  I try to read.  My butt goes numb.  I stretch my legs in the limited space.  I munch snacks.  Awkward body parts that have no business falling asleep somehow do.  Very little can change the plain fact that 16 hours is just a long freaking drive, never mind having to do it twice in less than a week.

That said, one of my favorite things about the long drive is traveling through Pennsylvania.  The scenery alongside the Susquehanna River is gorgeous and, without fail, I find myself singing "Oh Shenandoah, I love your dauuuuuu-ghterrrrrrrr" whenever we pass the signs, much to my own daughter's annoyance.  It seems I have several such nerdy little habits.  Well, at least I'm consistent.

Speaking of signs, by far the best part about driving through Pennsylvania are, in fact, the road signs.  On our most recent trip there in August I spent pretty much the entire time both going and coming trying to get decent pictures of some of the better ones.  While I didn't get all of the good ones, I did get a few to share.  Lucky you.

Beware--Amish Crossing.
On the way up this time, we actually got to see two of the buggies completely wrapped in Saran Wrap and traveling on a flat-bed truck.  How's that for irony?  Deliberately un-powered vehicles being transported by a semi.  Too funny.

You've gotta love the "Spill Response" right below the "Water Supply Area, Next 2 Miles."
Apparently Pennsylvania doesn't trust people not to spill their water supply.

You can picnic, but you can't pee.  Not that I've ever found rest stop restrooms to be what I would call "comfortable."

Keep Alert...the world needs more Lerts.
Like you wouldn't notice heavy trucks zipping around you.
As opposed to "Speed Up and Take Down People for More Points"?

We don't believe in those kind of parties around here.
Big Brother is Watching You.  He's currently hiding in that cornfield.

Especially in those buggies.

And this would be WHY you watch out for Aggressive Drivers.
Or does that just mean that all the aggressive drivers crash in this one spot?

Buckle Up Every Time--the cows hiding in the cornfields like tipping cars.

Can one even drive a million miles around the Earth?

Smile--everyone will wonder what you're up to, right, Lisa?  And shouldn't that really read "Smirk--Pass It On"?

Eating flies and dating a pig has always been MY dream.

Dam!  This place is Sha-MOKIN'!!

I'm glad they pointed that out.  Because I was looking for the Impure Candy Store...

We got stuck behind this dude for a while, and all I could do was keep singing the "Piña Colada" song.

$500 for parking for the Little League World Series?  That seems a bit extreme.

Battlestar Galactica Billboards  FTW.

Apparently Pennsylvania has too many outlets.

I wasn't aware that marijuana came in cans now.

Yes, technically ice cream does come from cows, but this form of advertising is udderly ridiculous.

Pennsylvania takes its James Joyce celebrations very seriously.

Swanky McDonald's sells Mango Pineapple smoothies.

And when exactly did McDonald's start redesigning the Golden Arches?  Now it just looks like a messed-up
Nike swish instead of golden arches.  So what's the new slogan gonna be, "Just Chew It"?

Putting that on a billboard is kind of like having a banner on your computer that reads "Won't you be my Internet Stalker?"

Best.Signs.Ever.  If you look closely, you can see a red nose on the deer.
Closeup of Rudolph, though I suspect this particular sign was embellished.  Most of the noses aren't quite that big.

My husband told me about this sign--I made him turn around and go back so I could see it.
Good thing he was driving  at the time so I that could take pictures, because if
*I* had been behind the wheel and seen this, I probably would have driven off the road.

Seriously?  I wasn't aware that there were so many nipple ailments that they warranted their own convalescent home.
Worse still, look closely behind the Nipple flag banner--there's a Frigidaire air conditioning unit in the window.
Because there is nothing a good nipple convalescent home needs more than cold air blowing across the residents, amirite?
Also, at the Nipple Convalescent Home, after hours you should use the rear entrance.  Um, yeah.
Interesting treatment, that.  And just remember, no shamokin'...we don't need any additional pains in the ash.

I don't know that there is a lot more I can add to red-nosed reindeer, non-impure chocolate and nipple convalescence.   So thanks, Pennsylvania, for letting me know where my nipples can convalesce should they choose to droop any further south and therefore require corrective surgery.  I am relieved to know that there is a place specializing in their care and that it is adequately air conditioned.  That had been a prevailing concern in my life thus far.

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