08 November 2011

How I Knew I Was in Big Trouble as a Parent

Ever since I got into this whole blogging thing, some of the blogs I most enjoy reading are the bent mommy ones in which moms with a sense of humor as bent as mine write about life with their kids and the unpredictable things that those kids say or do.  In truth, I'm a little jealous as well, because since my kid is grown and off at college  I no longer have a built-in wealth of daily material from which to draw.

Therefore, tonight I'm going to be a "mommy blogger" and offer up a few of my daughter's more entertaining observations about the world, many of which firmly convinced me by the time she was five that we were totally screwed.

Age 2

Girlie was able to legibly write her own name for the first time and began using the pronouns "I" and "me" instead of referring to herself by name.  By the time she was 2 ½, the speech pathologist who ran Gymboree where she did "gymnastics" told me that she had the vocabulary of a 5- or 6-year-old.  The girlie used this vocabulary, among other things, to "discipline" her toys.  For example, she would hurl a stuffed Big Bird across the room and then scream "No, No!  Come here!!" at it.  To be fair, she also loved Big Bird and "bathed" him and tucked him in bed.  Still, it's a little disconcerting the first time you hear your kid echo your own less-than-charitable comments.

Age 3

After having just been to her uncle and aunt's wedding (as an honorary flower girl), my girlie asked me in the car one day what married people did on their honeymoon.  I explained that they got to know each other better and celebrated their wedding by themselves.  Then she asked when they would return from their honeymoon, which she instantly amended to "honeysun."  When I asked why she said "honeysun," she told me it was because it was light outside, and "honeymoon" was for night.  Interestingly, she also insisted on calling her aunt "Miss Kathy" until after the wedding, after which she immediately began calling her "Aunt Kathy."  Observing the formalities is very important when you're three.

Similarly, in Girlie-Land, "yesterday" was differentiated from "yesternight."

One night when we went to pick her up from another aunt and uncle who had been babysitting her while we went to a movie, she woke up just enough to observe the conversation for a few minutes.  Suddenly she asked us "Why can I see other people's eyes but I can't see my own?"  Her aunt and uncle, who had just had their first child a year before, looked at each other in horror and threatened to put us on speed dial in case their daughter ever started asking such complicated questions.

My girlie also started becoming concerned with having a sibling around age 3.  One day she said:  "God helps a Mommy and a Daddy make a baby, right?  Can God's hands reach into your tummy?"  A couple of months later she told me that we were taking too long to make her a baby sister and that we just needed to go adopt one.  She was THREE.

The Easter just before she turned 4 she asked me "Why can Jesus take his body to Heaven and we can't?"   After swallowing my surprise, I told her that since he was the only perfect person in the world, he was the only one allowed to keep his actual body in Heaven.  Mercifully, this seemed to satisfy her.  I sighed in relief.

Age 4

One day, after being annoyed by endless repetition of the same question, I exasperatedly warned:  "Giiiiiiiirleeeee...!" to which she replied, "Don't 'Girlie' ME!"

On another day, her father was attempted to convince her that her bicycle seat should be raised.
After much arguing she informed him in no uncertain terms:  "Daddy, it's my bike...it should be my decision!"

She began writing notes, and wrote me one that said "I love you bekas Im a big grl."

Me:  "Girlie, you sure ask a lot of questions!"
Her:  "That's because my mouth is FULL of questions!"
(A couple of months later)
Me:  "Why do you ask so many questions?"
Her:  "Because my mouth hasn't run out of questions yet!"

"Mommies know almost everything.  God and Jesus know everything, but mommies know almost everything."

One day I was driving the girlie to pre-kindergarten.  She was confused about something she'd heard in Sunday School and wanted to know the difference between God and Joseph.  I explained that God was Jesus' father in Heaven and that Joseph was his daddy on Earth. This was not adequate enough information to suit her.  She wanted to know how that worked.  So I told her that God sent the Holy Spirit to make Jesus start growing in Mary's tummy and that Joseph would help take care of Jesus on Earth since God was too busy looking after everyone all at the same time.  Just as we were pulling into the school drive she sprung THIS one on me: "So...is the Holy Spirit God's sperm??"
I nearly drove off the road.

There are many, many other stories, but those are among my favorites.  My girlie was always the sort of person who wanted to run everywhere because waiting till she'd learned to walk was both overrated and a waste of valuable time.  She's still largely that way.  While I miss those days of innocence and joy and downright freakish insight, I am still excited to see where that girl goes next because she is still running with joyful abandon and probably always will.
I am in as much awe of her now as I was when she was 4.


  1. I've *told* you the "Close the door before you screw" story, right?

  2. Oh, no, you most certainly didn't! Dish! Then I'll tell you about when I walked in on my own parents...