Fun with Keyword Searches

Now that a few more people are reading my blog, one of the fun things I like to do is check out the stats page occasionally.  I like to see from where I'm getting traffic, which posts are going over well, etc., but my favorite part is checking out the referring urls and keyword searches.  I still get a lot of hits from the Ukraine and other Soviet countries, though I'm not getting as many hits for Russian porn as before.  I do seem to garner an inexplicable number of animé hits, though.

The coolest part is that I'm now starting to get searches specifically for "gingerdoodles.com" and "Ginger LaRue."  That's just kinda awesome.  Of course, I also still get weird search queries such as these:

"Whale's nipple?  Really??

I am fascinated that someone could find me merely with an "a," even if I have "a" fun blog.   I'm also getting hits for macrame, and for those with technical skills, macramé.  I've even gotten it in Cyrillic, which is just weird:  макраме.

In addition, I've been trying to figure out what I could possibly have written that would link me to "evil" porn.  Is there a good porn with which I am unfamiliar?  What exactly would constitute "good" porn, do you think?  I likewise have no explanation for "whale's nipple."  I wasn't even aware that whale's had nipples, though I suppose they must since they're mammals.  Frankly, it's just not something I sit around thinking about.  "Gee, I wonder if whales have nipples?  I wonder how many they have?  Do Capuchin monkeys fart in bed like their male cousins?  What...is the function...of a rubber duck?"  I'm far more likely to sit around pondering other weird things like how to read the satellite listings to make them sound funny or awkward.  For example, if I read the shows currently running on my satellite system, I get the following:

      Channels 285 & 286, I get:  "I (Almost) Got Away With It...Secret History of the Freemasons."
            (Well, we always suspected, didn't we?)

      Channels 282 & 283:  "Fatal Attractions:  The World's Deadliest Animals."
            (Wait, there are animal fetishes on satellite??)

      Channels 272, 273, and 274:  "RuPaul's Drag Race:  Cybill Resoration." 
            (Who needs plastic surgery when RuPaul is willing to "restore" you via drag enhancements?)

      Channels 256 & 257:  "The Doughgirls--Masters of Horror." 
            (Too...many...choices...don't...know...where...to...start...first...)

     Channels 242 & 243:  "Burn Notice--Sexy in Minutes!"  (Now that's hot...)

     Channels 190 & 191:  "Mr. Popper's Penguins' Fright Night."  (I don't even want to know.)

And that's just for starters.  Not surprisingly, this game is far more entertaining after around 8 pm, and especially in the wee hours of the morning when the satellite offerings become seedier or more bizarre.  You can cobble together all sorts of disturbing combinations then, and with very little effort.  Or maybe that's just me.  I also do things like this with road signs, people's t-shirts and just about everything else, which might explain why the hubs doesn't like to be seen in public with me.  Some people just have no imagination.

Fun with Keyword Searches

Now that a few more people are reading my blog, one of the fun things I like to do is check out the stats page occasionally.  I like to see from where I'm getting traffic, which posts are going over well, etc., but my favorite part is checking out the referring urls and keyword searches.  I still get a lot of hits from the Ukraine and other Soviet countries, though I'm not getting as many hits for Russian porn as before.  I do seem to garner an inexplicable number of animé hits, though.

The coolest part is that I'm now starting to get searches specifically for "gingerdoodles.com" and "Ginger LaRue."  That's just kinda awesome.  Of course, I also still get weird search queries such as these:

"Whale's nipple?  Really??

I am fascinated that someone could find me merely with an "a," even if I have "a" fun blog.   I'm also getting hits for macrame, and for those with technical skills, macramé.  I've even gotten it in Cyrillic, which is just weird:  макраме.

In addition, I've been trying to figure out what I could possibly have written that would link me to "evil" porn.  Is there a good porn with which I am unfamiliar?  What exactly would constitute "good" porn, do you think?  I likewise have no explanation for "whale's nipple."  I wasn't even aware that whale's had nipples, though I suppose they must since they're mammals.  Frankly, it's just not something I sit around thinking about.  "Gee, I wonder if whales have nipples?  I wonder how many they have?  Do Capuchin monkeys fart in bed like their male cousins?  What...is the function...of a rubber duck?"  I'm far more likely to sit around pondering other weird things like how to read the satellite listings to make them sound funny or awkward.  For example, if I read the shows currently running on my satellite system, I get the following:

      Channels 285 & 286, I get:  "I (Almost) Got Away With It...Secret History of the Freemasons."
            (Well, we always suspected, didn't we?)

      Channels 282 & 283:  "Fatal Attractions:  The World's Deadliest Animals."
            (Wait, there are animal fetishes on satellite??)

      Channels 272, 273, and 274:  "RuPaul's Drag Race:  Cybill Resoration." 
            (Who needs plastic surgery when RuPaul is willing to "restore" you via drag enhancements?)

      Channels 256 & 257:  "The Doughgirls--Masters of Horror." 
            (Too...many...choices...don't...know...where...to...start...first...)

     Channels 242 & 243:  "Burn Notice--Sexy in Minutes!"  (Now that's hot...)

     Channels 190 & 191:  "Mr. Popper's Penguins' Fright Night."  (I don't even want to know.)

And that's just for starters.  Not surprisingly, this game is far more entertaining after around 8 pm, and especially in the wee hours of the morning when the satellite offerings become seedier or more bizarre.  You can cobble together all sorts of disturbing combinations then, and with very little effort.  Or maybe that's just me.  I also do things like this with road signs, people's t-shirts and just about everything else, which might explain why the hubs doesn't like to be seen in public with me.  Some people just have no imagination.

Forever Lazy

Tonight I saw the most appalling ad for a new product called Forever Lazy.  Basically the product is an adult-sized one-piece zippered sweatsuit with hood and special flaps designed to make calls of nature more accessible without removing the entire outfit.

Now I'm not necessarily opposed to throwbacks to old-style long underwear or even to comfy clothes.  Heck, I'd wear my pajamas all day every day if I could.  What disturbs me about this commercial is the outright call to laziness.  Have we Americans stooped so low that we will now only purchase things if it means we can be even bigger couch potatoes than we already are?  Gone are the days of exhortations to industriousness or hard work; we've even surpassed calls for comfort.  With this product we can now be forever lazy!  And, because we are mindless sheep lulled in by the offer of something free, "here, have a couple of free matching socks so that your transformation to an overgrown 8 year old in footie pajamas is complete!"  Not that I have anything against footie pajamas for adults either--I'm sure they're very useful in cold climates, and I've already said I'm all for round-the-clock pajamas.  The difference is that while I might like to wear my PJs all day long, I don't actually do it.  But if I wanted to, I could now run around my office looking like an overgrown infant in my baggy fleece sack of "Asleep on the Job Gray."

I bet he gets a lot of action in that thing.

 I weep for America.

Forever Lazy

Tonight I saw the most appalling ad for a new product called Forever Lazy.  Basically the product is an adult-sized one-piece zippered sweatsuit with hood and special flaps designed to make calls of nature more accessible without removing the entire outfit.

Now I'm not necessarily opposed to throwbacks to old-style long underwear or even to comfy clothes.  Heck, I'd wear my pajamas all day every day if I could.  What disturbs me about this commercial is the outright call to laziness.  Have we Americans stooped so low that we will now only purchase things if it means we can be even bigger couch potatoes than we already are?  Gone are the days of exhortations to industriousness or hard work; we've even surpassed calls for comfort.  With this product we can now be forever lazy!  And, because we are mindless sheep lulled in by the offer of something free, "here, have a couple of free matching socks so that your transformation to an overgrown 8 year old in footie pajamas is complete!"  Not that I have anything against footie pajamas for adults either--I'm sure they're very useful in cold climates, and I've already said I'm all for round-the-clock pajamas.  The difference is that while I might like to wear my PJs all day long, I don't actually do it.  But if I wanted to, I could now run around my office looking like an overgrown infant in my baggy fleece sack of "Asleep on the Job Gray."

I bet he gets a lot of action in that thing.

 I weep for America.

Resolved

Like most people, I tend to start each new year making--in the words of Mary Poppins--"pie crust promises" that are "easily made and easily broken."  And, like most people, I am largely unoriginal in my resolutions.  I'm going to lose weight.  I'm going to exercise more.  I'm going to set broad and largely undefined goals that I haven't got a prayer of upholding because they lack specificity.

Last year I tried to remedy this problem by setting a more defined goal--lose 25 pounds by my 25th anniversary at the end of December.  Considering I have a good bit more than merely 25 pounds to lose, it seemed a reasonable and manageable goal, particularly within the time frame of a whole year.

I began the year, as always, with reasons why I couldn't start.

"I need to wait till my kid's back at college so I can concentrate more effectively."

"I'll start after the candy blitz of Valentine's is over."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to diet on my birthday..."

And so it went, till the breakage began.  It's surprisingly difficult to work out when you have one whole side dysfunctional, and of course we had to eat out lots because I "couldn't cook" with an arm in a cast.  While not entirely true, it certainly was a huge hassle to do any real cooking while minus a hand.

The excuses continued through the rest of the year, even after the bones had knitted.  Then I had surgery.  There was always a reason not to start dieting or exercise, just like there has been every year so far.

Given my abject failure with resolutions, I decided this year to try a different tack.  Oh, I'm still resolving to "lose weight," but no longer in the literal sense.  I have decided that this year, I want to lose weight by losing the burdens which bind me.  I am tired of carrying around past injustices and past hurts.  What is the point of living in a past one cannot change?  Doing so is exhausting and counterproductive.  So I intend to lose weight by dropping some of my grudges and some of the bitterness onto which I've been hanging.  I would like to lose the need to stuff my face whenever I feel bad about something or bad about myself.  I would like to lose the desire to pick and poke at myself when stressed.  While it may not be as extreme as cutting or other forms of self-harm, it's still a form of self-abuse, and I deserve better than that.  I would like to lose my lack of discipline for things like exercise or eating moderately and the hopeless feeling that usually precipitates them.  I want to lose the feeling of being trapped or stuck in a rut; I want to lose the feeling of having nothing interesting or important to do for the next 20 years.  I started to lose a little of this particular weight last year by beginning to venture out into my new community and find things to do which feed my soul.

Perhaps instead of just pursuing Weight Watchers, I can start looking towards Heart Watchers.  Heart Watchers should be an organization which helps us to focus on lightening our hearts and minds of burdens such as mine and yours, with the belief that as one's psyche is lightened, one's body will likely follow.  After all, it's far easier to dance if one's feet aren't nailed to the floor.

In addition to losing this "weight," I'm going to start to "exercise" more.  I will exercise my mind by studying for the GRE and applying to grad school.  I haven't yet decided whether I want to complete my doctorate (though part of me does, just for resolution's sake--ironic, no?) or try something entirely new and get a second Master's in some other field.  Several paths look interesting, but none are yet screaming "Pick me!  Pick me!!"  Perhaps I will audit classes till I find the field that does scream "Pick me."  I also want to exercise long-rusty theatrical skills by perhaps becoming involved in local community theaters, even if only as an usher or stage crew.  I've already exercised my love of singing by joining a local choral society; I want to find more things to do along this vein.  Perhaps voice lessons, who knows?  I do want to exercise my body as well, but I want to first shed the emotional weight which has been holding me back from doing so.  Priorities, people.  (Though now I have a disturbing visual image of trying to wrangle a sports bra around my brain...exercise is dangerous, kids--don't try this at home.)

I want to fly.  Literally, figuratively, metaphorically.  I want to shed my earthly bonds long enough to fly to new and interesting places, thus exercising my mind in completely different ways.  I want to soar to the heights of the potential I've been suppressing or putting on hold for the last 20+ years.  I want to be the phoenix rising that I like to pretend I am.  But before I can fly, I must cut the jesses holding me captive.  So yes, I resolve to lose "weight" and to "exercise" in 2012, to lighten my load in every conceivable way.

What about you?  Do any of you have unique ideas or resolutions for this year?  What are they?

Resolved

Like most people, I tend to start each new year making--in the words of Mary Poppins--"pie crust promises" that are "easily made and easily broken."  And, like most people, I am largely unoriginal in my resolutions.  I'm going to lose weight.  I'm going to exercise more.  I'm going to set broad and largely undefined goals that I haven't got a prayer of upholding because they lack specificity.

Last year I tried to remedy this problem by setting a more defined goal--lose 25 pounds by my 25th anniversary at the end of December.  Considering I have a good bit more than merely 25 pounds to lose, it seemed a reasonable and manageable goal, particularly within the time frame of a whole year.

I began the year, as always, with reasons why I couldn't start.

"I need to wait till my kid's back at college so I can concentrate more effectively."

"I'll start after the candy blitz of Valentine's is over."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to diet on my birthday..."

And so it went, till the breakage began.  It's surprisingly difficult to work out when you have one whole side dysfunctional, and of course we had to eat out lots because I "couldn't cook" with an arm in a cast.  While not entirely true, it certainly was a huge hassle to do any real cooking while minus a hand.

The excuses continued through the rest of the year, even after the bones had knitted.  Then I had surgery.  There was always a reason not to start dieting or exercise, just like there has been every year so far.

Given my abject failure with resolutions, I decided this year to try a different tack.  Oh, I'm still resolving to "lose weight," but no longer in the literal sense.  I have decided that this year, I want to lose weight by losing the burdens which bind me.  I am tired of carrying around past injustices and past hurts.  What is the point of living in a past one cannot change?  Doing so is exhausting and counterproductive.  So I intend to lose weight by dropping some of my grudges and some of the bitterness onto which I've been hanging.  I would like to lose the need to stuff my face whenever I feel bad about something or bad about myself.  I would like to lose the desire to pick and poke at myself when stressed.  While it may not be as extreme as cutting or other forms of self-harm, it's still a form of self-abuse, and I deserve better than that.  I would like to lose my lack of discipline for things like exercise or eating moderately and the hopeless feeling that usually precipitates them.  I want to lose the feeling of being trapped or stuck in a rut; I want to lose the feeling of having nothing interesting or important to do for the next 20 years.  I started to lose a little of this particular weight last year by beginning to venture out into my new community and find things to do which feed my soul.

Perhaps instead of just pursuing Weight Watchers, I can start looking towards Heart Watchers.  Heart Watchers should be an organization which helps us to focus on lightening our hearts and minds of burdens such as mine and yours, with the belief that as one's psyche is lightened, one's body will likely follow.  After all, it's far easier to dance if one's feet aren't nailed to the floor.

In addition to losing this "weight," I'm going to start to "exercise" more.  I will exercise my mind by studying for the GRE and applying to grad school.  I haven't yet decided whether I want to complete my doctorate (though part of me does, just for resolution's sake--ironic, no?) or try something entirely new and get a second Master's in some other field.  Several paths look interesting, but none are yet screaming "Pick me!  Pick me!!"  Perhaps I will audit classes till I find the field that does scream "Pick me."  I also want to exercise long-rusty theatrical skills by perhaps becoming involved in local community theaters, even if only as an usher or stage crew.  I've already exercised my love of singing by joining a local choral society; I want to find more things to do along this vein.  Perhaps voice lessons, who knows?  I do want to exercise my body as well, but I want to first shed the emotional weight which has been holding me back from doing so.  Priorities, people.  (Though now I have a disturbing visual image of trying to wrangle a sports bra around my brain...exercise is dangerous, kids--don't try this at home.)

I want to fly.  Literally, figuratively, metaphorically.  I want to shed my earthly bonds long enough to fly to new and interesting places, thus exercising my mind in completely different ways.  I want to soar to the heights of the potential I've been suppressing or putting on hold for the last 20+ years.  I want to be the phoenix rising that I like to pretend I am.  But before I can fly, I must cut the jesses holding me captive.  So yes, I resolve to lose "weight" and to "exercise" in 2012, to lighten my load in every conceivable way.

What about you?  Do any of you have unique ideas or resolutions for this year?  What are they?

Auld Lang Syne - Straight No Chaser

Tonight is my last video blog for the month of December.  Because it is New Year's Eve, it seems unlikely that is any song more appropriate of traditional to play than "Auld Lang Syne."  I know the song gets done to death each year, but I love this arrangement by my guys, Straight No Chaser.  It's good to switch things up every once in a while. 

I also consider Auld Lang Syne an appropriate song for today because it's meant as a farewell of sorts.  Farewell to times gone by, farewell to the old year, farewell to old friends even.  Literally translated from Old Scots as "old long ago," Auld Lang Syne is a song about love and friendships past, and toasting current friends.*  I am personally more than ready to toast 2011 goodbye.  It has been a year of medical mishap for me, and I would like to see the back of it sooner rather than later, with the hope that 2012, apocalyptic or not, involves less battering and bruising.  I would like to say farewell to old burdens and hello to new experiences.  I would like to say farewell to injury and hello to an occasional injection of excitement.  But mostly I would like to say farewell to the gift of a year, even a bad one, and hello to the blessing of a new year, full of potential and possibility.

I hope everyone has a safe New Year's Eve, and that the blessings and peace of tomorrow are made manifest throughout the entire year for each and every one of you.

Happy New Year--rock it like it's the end of the Mayan world!!

*Source:  http://www.carols.org.uk/auld_lang_syne_song.htm