You'd Better Be Staring At My Buttons...

When I was in college, I had a fairly extensive collection of "buttons," by which I mean "those random pins that people everywhere had plastered to their jackets and hats," also known as "flair."  It was the 80s--what can I say?  We all wore crap like that.  At least my hair wasn't jacked up every day with 3 cans of Aqua-Net like some people I could name; neither did I routinely wear my undergarments on the outside of my clothing.  But I had a thing for the button pins because they provided a pithy way for me to express my inner anarchist smartass.

The pins were a convenient way to express my personality without being too "in your face" about it or doing something semi-permanent like dying my hair purple.  Unlike other people, I didn't actually wear them all over my jacket but instead tended to sport only one or two that were carefully selected to reflect my mood du jour. 

Some of my favorite buttons were emblazoned with statements like:

"Excuse Me...Could You Tell Me How To Get To The Real World?"

"Reality Is The Leading Cause of Stress"

"Currently Seeking A Country To Rule"

"Women Who Think They Are Equal To Men Lack Ambition"

"Accepting Reality Is The First Step To Insanity"

"I Don't Mind If You Smoke, If You Don't Mind If I Shit In Your Shoe"

"Reality Is For People Who Lack Imagination"

"I'm Naturally Blonde, Please Speak Slowly"  (Well, naturally reddish blonde, anyway.)

"You're Only Young Once -- But You Can Be Immature Forever"

"If Your Life Is So Exciting, Why Are You Reading My Button?"  (Replace "button" with "status" and you have your next update on Facebook.)

"A Woman Who Doesn't Change Her Mind Doesn't Have One"

"This Garment Is Made Entirely Of Animals Who Committed Suicide In The Wild"

"Stress:  The Confusion Created When One's Mind Overrides The Body's Basic Desire To Choke The Living Shit Out Of Some Asshole Who Desperately Deserves It"

I had several others as well--still do, in fact--including the cutesy, the sarcastic, and the generic.  I didn't wear them much past undergrad, though; I had a feeling the great bastions of grad school would have looked upon them unfavorably.  Maybe if I'd had these instead:

Something tells me that the English graduate department would still have frowned on these--with the possible exception of my old mentor Dr. Irwin Weiser, known to one and all as "Bud."  With a name like Bud Weiser, one has to have a decent sense of humor.

And for all of you who are sitting out there laughing at my predilection for snarky buttons, I have just three words for you:  "Facebook Flair" and "PINTEREST."

You'd Better Be Staring At My Buttons...

When I was in college, I had a fairly extensive collection of "buttons," by which I mean "those random pins that people everywhere had plastered to their jackets and hats," also known as "flair."  It was the 80s--what can I say?  We all wore crap like that.  At least my hair wasn't jacked up every day with 3 cans of Aqua-Net like some people I could name; neither did I routinely wear my undergarments on the outside of my clothing.  But I had a thing for the button pins because they provided a pithy way for me to express my inner anarchist smartass.

The pins were a convenient way to express my personality without being too "in your face" about it or doing something semi-permanent like dying my hair purple.  Unlike other people, I didn't actually wear them all over my jacket but instead tended to sport only one or two that were carefully selected to reflect my mood du jour. 

Some of my favorite buttons were emblazoned with statements like:

"Excuse Me...Could You Tell Me How To Get To The Real World?"

"Reality Is The Leading Cause of Stress"

"Currently Seeking A Country To Rule"

"Women Who Think They Are Equal To Men Lack Ambition"

"Accepting Reality Is The First Step To Insanity"

"I Don't Mind If You Smoke, If You Don't Mind If I Shit In Your Shoe"

"Reality Is For People Who Lack Imagination"

"I'm Naturally Blonde, Please Speak Slowly"  (Well, naturally reddish blonde, anyway.)

"You're Only Young Once -- But You Can Be Immature Forever"

"If Your Life Is So Exciting, Why Are You Reading My Button?"  (Replace "button" with "status" and you have your next update on Facebook.)

"A Woman Who Doesn't Change Her Mind Doesn't Have One"

"This Garment Is Made Entirely Of Animals Who Committed Suicide In The Wild"

"Stress:  The Confusion Created When One's Mind Overrides The Body's Basic Desire To Choke The Living Shit Out Of Some Asshole Who Desperately Deserves It"

I had several others as well--still do, in fact--including the cutesy, the sarcastic, and the generic.  I didn't wear them much past undergrad, though; I had a feeling the great bastions of grad school would have looked upon them unfavorably.  Maybe if I'd had these instead:

Something tells me that the English graduate department would still have frowned on these--with the possible exception of my old mentor Dr. Irwin Weiser, known to one and all as "Bud."  With a name like Bud Weiser, one has to have a decent sense of humor.

And for all of you who are sitting out there laughing at my predilection for snarky buttons, I have just three words for you:  "Facebook Flair" and "PINTEREST."

Reminders for Dummies

You know how your spouse or significant other often forgets what you tell them to do in the morning?  By the time they get through rush hour and start work, it's usually already gone from their brains, so you have about as much hope of them remembering as you have of tap dancing on Mars in E.T.'s bikini.

Next time I want to make sure my peeps remember something, I'm going to try doing this.  Clearly the people in Rochester, NY know how to motivate family members.

Also, there are probably microscopically small letters along the bottom of the window that read:
"And if you do forget, I know where the tire iron is.  I'm just sayin'."

Reminders for Dummies

You know how your spouse or significant other often forgets what you tell them to do in the morning?  By the time they get through rush hour and start work, it's usually already gone from their brains, so you have about as much hope of them remembering as you have of tap dancing on Mars in E.T.'s bikini.

Next time I want to make sure my peeps remember something, I'm going to try doing this.  Clearly the people in Rochester, NY know how to motivate family members.

Also, there are probably microscopically small letters along the bottom of the window that read:
"And if you do forget, I know where the tire iron is.  I'm just sayin'."

Decadent Ice Cream Sandwich Dessert

You know those old commercials about Rice Krispie Treats?  The ones where the lady sits on her ass in the kitchen reading a magazine till everyone in the other room starts whining, then she musses her hair and flicks flour in her face to make it look like she's been slaving for hours, even though Rice Krispie Treats are mind-numbingly easy to make?  Well, I have a similarly easy recipe that I'm going to share with you tonight. 

A friend of mine introduced me to this dessert years ago, and my family loves it.  It takes all of about 5-10 minutes to assemble, requires a mere 3 ingredients, and tastes great.  For this dessert, you will need the following:

-A 9 x 13 pan
-1 8 oz tub of Cool Whip
-1 box of 12 ice cream sandwiches
-1 16 oz tub of Marzetti's Old Fashioned Caramel Apple Dip (or similar item)

Start shucking ice cream sandwiches.  I'd start with 9.  Put them in the pan side by side till the pan is full.  I personally like them crammed in, so I'll cut them in half lengthwise or width-wise as needed to make sure the pan is completely full.  Eat all leftovers so they don't go to waste (just waist).

Ice cream.  Yummy, yummy ice cream.  The cookie part forms your dessert's crust.

Next, take the tub of caramel dip and, using a knife or spatula, evenly spread the caramel all over the ice cream sandwiches.

Not just for apples anymore.

Lastly, do the same with the Cool Whip, spreading it evenly over the caramel.

Whip it.  Whip it good.

For a lighter dessert, use low-fat ingredients and/or spread less caramel dip and Cool Whip on the sandwiches.  Store in the freezer between servings.  It's great for parties, especially when you need to throw something together on short notice.  If you have a smaller family or limited freezer space, it also works well halved.

And voilà--that's it!  Easy-peasy, right?  You're welcome.

P.S.  It needs a shorter, quippier name than "Decadent Ice Cream Sandwich Dessert."  Any thoughts?  Feel free to leave me a comment if you want to share a suggestion.  Meanwhile, happy nomming!

Decadent Ice Cream Sandwich Dessert

You know those old commercials about Rice Krispie Treats?  The ones where the lady sits on her ass in the kitchen reading a magazine till everyone in the other room starts whining, then she musses her hair and flicks flour in her face to make it look like she's been slaving for hours, even though Rice Krispie Treats are mind-numbingly easy to make?  Well, I have a similarly easy recipe that I'm going to share with you tonight. 

A friend of mine introduced me to this dessert years ago, and my family loves it.  It takes all of about 5-10 minutes to assemble, requires a mere 3 ingredients, and tastes great.  For this dessert, you will need the following:

-A 9 x 13 pan
-1 8 oz tub of Cool Whip
-1 box of 12 ice cream sandwiches
-1 16 oz tub of Marzetti's Old Fashioned Caramel Apple Dip (or similar item)

Start shucking ice cream sandwiches.  I'd start with 9.  Put them in the pan side by side till the pan is full.  I personally like them crammed in, so I'll cut them in half lengthwise or width-wise as needed to make sure the pan is completely full.  Eat all leftovers so they don't go to waste (just waist).

Ice cream.  Yummy, yummy ice cream.  The cookie part forms your dessert's crust.

Next, take the tub of caramel dip and, using a knife or spatula, evenly spread the caramel all over the ice cream sandwiches.

Not just for apples anymore.

Lastly, do the same with the Cool Whip, spreading it evenly over the caramel.

Whip it.  Whip it good.

For a lighter dessert, use low-fat ingredients and/or spread less caramel dip and Cool Whip on the sandwiches.  Store in the freezer between servings.  It's great for parties, especially when you need to throw something together on short notice.  If you have a smaller family or limited freezer space, it also works well halved.

And voilà--that's it!  Easy-peasy, right?  You're welcome.

P.S.  It needs a shorter, quippier name than "Decadent Ice Cream Sandwich Dessert."  Any thoughts?  Feel free to leave me a comment if you want to share a suggestion.  Meanwhile, happy nomming!

Crowning Glory

My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R.
My delivery van has a second name, it's W-T-F...
I saw it drive down the highway,
And when I did I had to saaaaaay:
"Whatever did this poor van do
For someone to treat it this way?"

Now there's something you just don't see everyday.

That's some bad hat, Harry.