10. Me: Why didn't you empty the dishwasher? I'm not the only one who
dirties dishes (in fact, you go through easily twice as many as me),
so I shouldn't be the only one to clean them or put them away.
Genius 1: I didn't know if it was clean or not.
Me: What do you mean you didn't know? It says it's clean!
G1: No it doesn't...the little sign says "dirty."
Me: See the little green light that's on? The one right next to the word
"CLEAN"? Surprisingly, that means that the dishes are CLEAN, regardless
of whether or not I remembered to change the dirty/clean sign.
G1: What green light?
9. Thank you for hanging my picture. For the record, Lieutenant Literal, "hanging
the picture" includes cleaning up afterwards, not leaving piles of white drywall
dust on my floor for over a week. Nor does it mean telling me that you did see
some white dust on the floor after I brought this to your attention three weeks ago
(and which you still left on the floor).
8. G2: My bathroom is dirty.
Me: So clean it.
G2: I don't know how.
Me: I've showed you how like 5 times.
G2: I don't remember.
Me: When Ms. Paper Towel and Mr. Spray Bottle love each other very much,
they get freaky in the sink until they make little scrubbing bubbles, and
nurse them on dirt and gunk and germs. No? Then just use the paper
towels and Scrubbing Bubbles TILL THE SINK IS CLEAN. This isn't
rocket science. Yes, I know you would understand rocket science better.
I just don't care.
7. Thank you for taking out the trash. However, I would appreciate it if you
would attempt to remember that there is not, in fact, a trash-sucking vortex
that has escaped from the Star Trek universe to pick up all the stray bits of refuse
that missed the bin. You actually have to pick those up yourself. I'll provide
rubber gloves for you if necessary. And no, you can't blow them up into balloons
and play with them.
6. When you sign up for classes next semester, please remember to schedule time
to eat and to sleep. It is okay to have "blank spots" on your course schedule...
even God rested once a week, you know.
5. Telling me approximately 687 times that you need to get your glasses fixed will not,
in fact, cause them to be fixed. Calling the eye doctor will. So call him. Today. I
mean it. (This conversation took place over a year and a half ago. The glasses have
still not been replaced.)
4. Telling a woman that she is in any way "geometrically implausible" is not, in fact,
a kinder way to inform her that she is overweight or that certain
arrangements are awkward, unless of course you are hoping never ever to get laid
again and would really like to have your congruence snapped into a null set.
(Meanwhile, when G1 reads this, the only thing that will likely stand out to him
is that I have incorrectly used "congruence" and "null set" and/or that they cannot
be combined at all, much less in this fashion. Sometimes I say things like this just
to make him twitch. #missingthepoint)
3. No woman finds a man wearing nothing but black socks sexy. And no, I am
not making this up. I asked them. All of them. They all said you look dorky
2. Do NOT keep playing Jenga with the dishes in the sink unless you want me to
start playing Jenga with all your computer stuff downstairs.
1. Bill Gates is not the Antichrist. People who annoy you are not automatically
equivalent to ultimate evil in the universe--with the possible exception of
Jar Jar Binks.